The holiday season can be a tender time for many. Maybe this Christmas is a grief stricken reminder of loved ones lost. Maybe this season stirs up financial stressors and unattainable standards. Perhaps the holidays are difficult due to broken family relationships. Or, maybe theres a history of traumatic events that occurred in relation to past holidays. Whatever you may be experiencing this time of year, I hope this post is helpful and encouraging as you brace the divide between jarring and jolly.
If unattainable festivity standards leave you feeling discouraged...
Comparison is the thief of joy.
-Theodore Roosevelt
The holiday season can be packed with comparison opportunities. We can compare gifts, decorations, traditions, holiday activities, parties, family photos, and even levels of joy. I hear many clients share the difficulty of seeing others appearing so happy and joyful when they feel stuck in their sorrow. There is some real grief here that deserves to be acknowledged and held and it may also be true that we perpetuate our suffering when we engage in comparing. Here are some ways to combat the jarring effects of comparison:
Get off of social media: It will inevitable lead to discouragement when we compare our disappointments to someone's highlight reel. Social media presents a half-reality that was selectively curated by the individual posting it. Take a break from scrolling, or even delete your social media apps so you are not tempted to get absorbed in comparing yourself to the "perfect" ways people present their holiday experiences.
Practice gratitude: Key word here is practice. This may be something you really have to work at. This also may sound hokey or cliche, but there is science behind this. Research has shown that your brain cannot simultaneously process both being thankful and anxious-it has to choose one. Brené Brown's research has also demonstrated that gratitude is the gateway to joy. Try listing 2 things you are grateful for for every one thing you find yourself comparing against. As you practice this, you will notice a shift!
If there is an empty seat at your holiday dinners this year...
Many underestimate how heavy holidays feel when grieving (including holidays that aren't necessarily significant to them or their family- they are still a day set apart from one's regular routine). For this reason it is important to proactively plan ways to remember and celebrate your loved one. Grief is complex in how many mixed emotions it stirs up. You may experience both delight in fond memories of your loved one and deep despair in what they missed out on this year not being physically here. All of these mixed emotions are significant and every one of them matters. It is possible to grieve, weep, and long for your lost loved one and invest in a continuing connection to their legacy. For help in normalizing grief experiences please see previous post "Grief Work is WORK." Below are some ideas for connecting with deceased loved ones this Christmas:
Look at old holiday photos and reminisce about the memories they captured
Intentionally invest time in doing things your loved one enjoyed (listening to their favorite music, cooking their favorite dishes, watching their favorite movies, visiting their favorite places)
Wear something of your loved ones things to feel close to them (jewelry, clothing items)
Read past cards or letters written by them/ write a letter to them
Find and purchase an ornament that represents them or something they loved
Consider creative ways to continue in traditions they treasured (ex: maybe mom's tradition was buying new pjs for the family each year and this year the family together decides who will carry on that role, or how they collectively will continue in that tradition together)
If your bank account looks more like the Charlie Brown Christmas tree than a Fraser fir...
Financial stressors are REALLY stressful. Money easily shakes our sense of security and the pressures of this time of year can amplify this. It's difficult to decipher what to prioritize and what to sacrifice. Then on top of all of that, we are bombarded with ads and deals telling us what we should purchase to give the perfect gift and create a magical holiday. Consider some of the following ideas to minimize financial stress this year:
* Be mindful of your motivation in giving: Am I giving because I choose to and I enjoy giving in this way or am I giving because I feel obligated or I fear how I might be perceived if I don't give something worth a particular amount? Be sure to evaluate your giving and give from healthy motivations. The consequence of giving from unhealthy motivations is bitterness, resentment, and more stress!
Suggest a white elephant gift exchange, cookie exchange, ornament exchange, coffee/hot chocolate mug exchange, or secret Santa instead of everyone buying for every individual at family gatherings, office parties, and other community groups you may be involved in
Proactively plan ahead and consider creating a yearly budget for gifts (next year)
Opt for handmade/DIY gifts
Go in on a gift with multiple people, so the cost is shared
Consider buying only for the children while the adults exchange meaningful holiday cards
If family relationships involve more conflict and friction than comfort and connection...
Hurt regarding division in family relationships and relational wounds are vulnerable to being tapped on when more frequent gatherings occur during the holidays. It can feel awkward, draining, and downright painful. Below are some suggestions to help stay regulated in the midst of family turmoil:
Expect that past behavior will be repeated: Henry Cloud, author of the book Boundaries, once stated, "I can ask my dog to meow over and over again, but my frustration when he doesn't meow is on me. I am asking him to do something he doesn't have the capacity to do." There is so much grief here in this process of accepting the fact that someone can change, but chooses not to. If someone's hurtful behavior is reoccurring and they have made no effort towards doing something different, you will set yourself up for huge disappointment if you expect they will be different this time around. Expect history to repeat itself so it is not such a shock to your system when the hurt behavior happens again.
Plan a ritual: This may sound odd, but it can be helpful to plan to engage in some kind of therapeutic ritual before and after engaging with family. This way you bookend your experience and provide a cushion of self care. For example: before visiting with family you can grab your favorite drink, participate in a mindfulness activity/breathing exercise, and place an imaginary shield around you so that any hurtful comments bounce off as opposed to being internalized. After you leave, you might call someone you trust, journal, and plan a cozy restorative activity.
Proactively set boundaries and follow through with them: Boundaries are yours to set and they will give you a great sense of safety because you get to choose them. Healthy boundary setting will cultivate your peace. Here's a couple of examples: 1. Decide how much time you want to spend with family (and if you are attending an event with someone, agree and communicate this time). When you are about 30 minutes away from the time you decided on, begin gathering your things and saying your good byes. If you are attending with someone, perhaps devise a signal so you both stay accountable to the time stamp. 2. Set a boundary around the conversations you participate in. If you know a family member will make an offensive comment or bring up an emotionally charged topic- brainstorm beforehand some phrases or questions you can turn to in order to redirect the conversation.
Intentionally carve out time to spend with those you have a healthy and secure relationship with: some research has shown that we have about 3-5 people in our inner circle. These people know our most vulnerable/exposed self, love us well, show up consistently, and the relationship is reciprocal. Those in your inner circle may or may not be family. Make sure to connect with those in your inner circle because these relationships are significant!
If the holidays are connected to negative triggers...
For a number of individuals the holidays have historically been more fearful than festive. Perpetrators of abuse have more access to children during this time of year because of school breaks. Cruel and humiliating gifts may have been given. Contrarily (and confusingly), the holidays may have been a time of pretending abuse and neglect wasn't present all year long. If you relate to any of these experiences or something similar, I hope the following is helpful, validating, and encouraging.
Be mindful of the, "I'm just going to get busy and grit through this" approach: it can be tempting to work longer hours, fill your time with tasks to accomplish, and distract or avoid any reminders of the past. While this provides some temporary relief, it will likely deplete you and amplify the pain when you finally feel it.
Prioritize regular counseling sessions: it is a busy time of year- there's no denying that. With work celebrations, family gatherings, and travel it would be easy to skip therapy appointments. It's ok if you need extra support to process what this season stirs up for you. You deserve to invest in yourself so you can have the capacity to be fully present in the things you value this time of year.
Get creative with new traditions: your past may involve high degrees of discomfort and distress with certain holiday traditions. You can redeem this! Create new traditions that are especially comfortable and that you take great delight in. Invite safe and trustworthy people in your world to join you in this.
Adopt and be responsive with the following perspective, "I know what it's like to wait for unmet needs to get met- now the wait is over": take time to truly listen and respond to your needs. If in your past you were forced to do things that did not feel good to you, and today you have those similar feelings and cues but ignore them- you may be re-traumatizing yourself. There is something to be said for striving for a worthwhile goal and challenging yourself to do something you don't want to do but you know is for your good. What I'm taking about here is abandoning yourself and not paying attention to important cues. Know that your body and your brain hold pain receptors for a reason and they indicate that something is off. To build trust in yourself it is your responsibility to respond to these indicators appropriately. The wait is over- treat your needs tenderly and compassionately.
It is my hope that this post shared just what you needed to hear and that you feel more equipped to engage in this holiday season in a new way. Warm wishes for a peaceful and merrier Christmas this year!