Forgiveness is like a heavy door. It's a dividing barrier between an injury (injuries) of the past and the freedom of the future. We may find ourselves knocking on the door, pounding on the door, kicking the door, and even slinging the full weight of our body at the door-forcing and coercing ourselves to try to release the offending party. When we find our many attempts to open the "forgiveness door" fail, it is so tempting to return to the injury and visit it again and again. Often, the injury floods our minds the harder we try to avoid its memory. As pictured to the left, Charles Dickens said "A very little key will open a very heavy door." Maybe willing ourselves with all our might into forgiving isn't the best approach. Below are some "keys" I have collected in my own journey in understanding and walking through forgiveness. I hope these keys are validating and useful for you in unlocking your heavy door.
The following includes my personal notes and take aways from "Joyce Meyer's Talk It Out Podcast" Episode 72 "How To Truly Forgive." A link to the episode can be found below. I highly recommend giving it a listen!
Don't give others the authority to determine your mood
If someone can change our mood by what they say, what they do, or even by the memory of what they have said or done in the past-they have too much power AND this is evidence that we have given up our own power, our own authority to them. We have the capacity to take our power back by finding, experimenting, and exercising what we can do to influence our mood/attitude in healthy ways.
-One practical way to apply this is to literally count the times your mind wanders to a specific offending person or event in a single day. Do this over the course of several days and see if a pattern develops. Do you ruminate most before going to sleep, while on the road driving, or when scrolling on social media? When you locate the time of day you are most prone to ruminating, intentionally plan ahead to redeem that time by redirecting your attention to something else (prayer, gratitude, listening to music, engaging in a mindfulness activity, reading, etc). Your time is your property and you are capable of empowering yourself by resuming authority over how you spend your time.
How much are your sins against God. Treat others how you want God to treat you. God gives us mercy. What right do we have to withhold mercy?
If you are in the process of forgiveness, then it is a fact that you have been wounded. When wounded we can easily fall into elevating ourselves above the offending party, but the foot of the cross is level ground- we all sin and fall short. One key to unlocking the door to forgiveness can be to humble ourselves and remember the times and ways we have wounded God by our own offenses against Him. With God, a sin confessed is a sin forgiven. He gifts us with grace and mercy instantaneously. He does not withhold or withdraw His love and affection when we sin against Him. He does the opposite- He pursues us and draws us to Himself once again. The overarching message of the Bible is how God constantly reconciles and restores His children to Himself. What has His continuous forgiveness meant to you?
Forgiving someone does not necessarily change how you feel about that person. It is a decision of how to treat them. You know you've forgiven by how you treat the person even when you don't feel like it.
This statement is a hard one to flesh out. Forgiveness is a process and participating in that process can soften your heart towards another, but it may not entirely change how you feel about them. Negative feelings are not necessarily evidence of un-forgiveness - its what you do with them. With your negative feelings do you....
-ruminate and allow bitterness to take root?
-talk about the offending party with others so they too will take up an offense against them?
-wish the offending party ill?
-withdraw or abandon your responsibilities to the offending party?
-have a running tally of offenses that have been previously discussed, owned, and resolved by the offending party?
If you answered yes to any of the above it is likely that your decisions are being ruled by your negative feelings, which in a way bounds you more tightly to the injurious behavior as it continues to influence how you live today. This will delay your healing.
The sooner you forgive the quicker you heal.
Forgiveness is not easy. It is truly a process. Pushing forgiveness too quickly may lead to bypassing important parts and if left unfinished and unprocessed, these parts will rear their ugly heads in the future demanding the attention they missed. However, there are many ways in which healing will be delayed if we delay forgiveness.
Stop saying, "This is what I will say the next time I see that person" and pray for them instead.
In transparency I will share I easily fall into rehearsing a good zinger comeback and feel both accomplished and satisfied if I believe I have crafted a clever one. It is things like this that delay forgiveness and therefore delay healing. This delays healing because we are fighting the wrong battle. A key to opening the forgiveness door is fighting against the resistance to forgive instead of rehearsing fights against the offending party. Prayer is a powerful weapon to wield in this battle.
Un-forgiveness opens doors for the enemy.
Satan wants division. Our greatest enemy is not the offending party. Being mindful of this can keep things in perspective.
Pray that the memory just becomes a fact that it happened.
When we are able to reach this perspective we are able to be less reactive to future reminders of the hurtful event. Isaiah 43:18-19, "Do not earnestly remember the former things; neither consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Clinging to past hurt will hinder us from seeing and enjoying what is new now.
If you let it, God can use this to make you a better person.
Forgiveness is a command for a purpose. Obediently being a participant in the forgiveness process sanctifies us. This means it helps us to become like Jesus. Your forgiveness now may equip you to quickly forgive a future offense. Your forgiveness now may help others learn to forgive. Your forgiveness now will help you to more intimately know Jesus and it will stir your affection for Him as you better understand His forgiveness and love He has given to you.
The following includes my personal notes and take aways from "The Daily Grace Podcast" episode titled, "Should We Forgive and Forget?" Again, I highly recommend giving it a listen as it is super helpful! Copy the URL below to find this episode.
The wounds and scars of Jesus in His resurrection are physical reminders of the cost and His love. Post resurrection those scars were memorial wounds of His love and God's forgiveness.
The podcast shares the above word picture and describes how we too can reflectively look back on our own scars and wounds after we extend forgiveness as a reminder of the gift of God's forgiveness we have in Christ and the gift of forgiveness that we offer to each other. What a work of Christ's power in us when we exchange our anger, bitterness, and resentment for love, grace, and forgiveness!
Forgiveness is an opportunity to extend the grace of Christ and to image Christ. To the offending party forgiveness is saying, "Let me help you experience the grace of Christ that He has given to me in my own sin."
A popular conversation I have with Christian clients is the difference between condemnation and conviction. When we condemn ourselves we feel guilt and shame with no clear direction forward on how or what to change. When we are convicted by the Holy Spirit in our sin, we are covered in grace (not guilt or shame) and we are provided with a clear path forward to align ourselves with His will. Forgiveness is extending the covering of grace we receive from Christ to others in our lives. 2 Corinthians 5:20 states that we are ambassadors for Christ. We are called to represent Him as image bearers.
If reconciliation is not the outcome, an open heart on my end is.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different, but related concepts. Forgiveness requires one person and it is a work of Christ in transforming our own heart. Reconciliation requires two parties (or more), ownership/responsibility for the specific injurious behavior(s), and observable, consistent demonstrations of trustworthy behavior moving forward. Ideally, reconciling relationships is the best outcome. For those in Christ, we have a responsibility to do "all that depends on us" to pursue this outcome. Romans 12:16, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." However, reconciliation is not always possible. In these situations, forgiveness still produces a meaningful change- the change of a hardened heart to an open heart.
Forgiveness is supernatural: it is a testament to the work of God in my life, it shows my union with Christ, and it preaches the gospel to the one receiving my forgiveness.
Forgiveness can not occur in the natural, it cannot take place independent from Christ. This is where we can (and I personally have) hit a wall. We can research, learn, read, and intellectually process the ins and outs of forgiveness without engaging in it. There is good news! We have access to the best and perfect teacher on forgiveness. When God commands us to do something, He will empower AND equip AND transform our hearts with the desire to carry the command out in our lives WHEN we depend on Him and invite Him into the challenges we face.
God has been long suffering and kind to me which has drawn me to repent. God can use our long suffering and kindness toward others to draw them to Himself and lead them to repentance.
Offering forgiveness sanctifies us, and it may lead those we are extending forgiveness to- to their own sanctification.
"Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart."
-Corrie Ten Boom