Reframes for Mamas (Postpartum Edition)

The brain-based changes that take place in postpartum leave moms vulnerable to looping on negative thoughts. Affirmations and reframes are important because the brain does not believe what is true, the brain believes what is familiar. Using these reframes as a mantra can help your brain believe the truth.

For when you miss your old life...

Grieving thought/ Negative belief/ Lie	Reframe
I don’t even recognize myself.	I am still me and I will find a way to integrate what is new with who I have always been. I can honor who I was and be curious about who I’m becoming.
I come last, there is no time in the day for me.	Right now my baby’s needs are so demanding and time consuming. It makes perfect sense that I grieve the time I used to have. My needs matter too. Even small moments of care for myself ripple out into care for my baby.
Did I just ruin my life?	My life hasn’t been ruined—it’s been rearranged. My old life had to make room for something new and in time, I’ll see how both versions of me belong.
I can’t just get up and go. I have to strategically plan and time every outing.	Boy, this is so hard. It makes sense that I miss being able to just get up and go and get things done. I am right to miss that, and I can learn the art of slowing down. This season moves at a slower rhythm and that’s ok. Each small step out into the world is a quiet victory.

For when feeding is hard...

Grieving thought/ Negative belief/ Lie	Reframe
There is only one right way to feed my baby and I have to make it work.	There are multiple healthy ways to feed my baby. Its ok to grieve if the way I hoped for is not working out. The right way to feed my baby is the way that nourishes both of us—physically and emotionally.
With the ever changing feeding schedule, wake windows, and fragmented sleep- I can’t make this work. I can’t cope with this.	Efficiency comes with time and grace. This is hard because it is hard—not because I’m failing. I am learning, adapting, and surviving something incredibly demanding.
If I can’t make breastfeeding work, Im a failure.	There are soooo many elements that affect breastfeeding going successfully. It is not my fault if it does not work for us. How I feed my baby does not define my worth as a mom.
Im not feeding my baby the way my friends feed their babies, maybe I am doing it wrong.	Every baby is different. This is what works for us and I can be proud that we found our own rhythm.
If my baby is having difficulty with feedings (not gaining the weight the doctor says he/she needs to, reflux issues, lip/tongue tie issues, thrush, etc.), this is evidence of me failing to care well for my baby.	It is devastating to work so hard and so diligently and to continuously get the disappointing news that challenges in feeding are not improving. I can grieve this. I am allowed to feel overwhelmed and even frustrated. My concerned thoughts about my baby’s health, my time, effort, and investment in finding ways to care for him/her all point to how well I care for my baby.

For intrusive thoughts...

-80% to 100% of moms have scary thoughts about baby’s safety because the brain’s safety center is in overdrive.

-Brain-based changes in the postpartum period make it more difficult to: quiet negative thoughts, filter a thought’s level of urgency and relevancy, and let thoughts pass (leading to rumination).

-It can be helpful to have a grounding phrase to say to the thought such as, “Thanks brain, but that’s not helpful” or “Im thinking of the most atrocious things because those are the very things my brain wants to protect my baby from.”

-Seek help if your thoughts feel very distressing to you, so you can develop tools that work best for you.

Grieving thought/ Negative belief/ Lie	Reframe
My intrusive thoughts show my baby would be safer without me.	Intrusive thoughts are not truths—they are signs of my mind under strain, not signs of danger. My baby is safest with a well-supported me
My scary thoughts are what I want to happen to my baby.	My level of distress with these thoughts show how much I do not want these things to happen. Intrusive thoughts are misfiring safety circuits- NOT intent. Good moms have scary thoughts sometimes.
Something is wrong with me.	My brain is very sensitive right now just as every other mom’s brain in this season. Its not me, its my brain in overdrive.
I can't tell anyone about these disturbing thoughts.	I don't have to be alone with these disturbing thoughts. Sharing my experience with trusted others can help lessen the hold I feel these thoughts have over me.

For myths about motherhood...

Grieving thought/ Negative belief/ Lie	Reframe
I should love/adore my baby from the start.	Attention leads to adoration. My affection will grow as I get to know my baby. Love can unfold slowly. Every moment of care is an expression of love. Its also ok if the baby stage is just not my favorite.
I should know what I’m doing.	No one is born knowing. I am learning alongside my baby, and that is exactly how it’s meant to be.
I should be able to do this on my own.	I was never meant to mother alone. Reaching out for help is a sign of wisdom and strength.
Motherhood came so easy for ____; if it doesn’t come natural for me, I must be a bad mom.	The truth is, as in most things and relationships in life, we grow and evolve—this is natural. Every story of motherhood is different. Struggling does not make me less—it makes me real.

For changes in your relationship with your spouse/significant other...

Grieving thought/ Negative belief/ Lie	Reframe
It will never just be me and my partner again.	Its hard to live parallel lives and pass each other like ships in the night. Our love is evolving, not ending. We are learning how to hold our bond and our new baby in this season. We can start with micro connection points knowing this busy season is temporary.
I’m so touched out. I can’t imagine wanting or enjoying sex again. It just feels like another thing I have to do for someone else	Right now, I need time to come home to myself. When I’m replenished and no longer running on empty, intimacy can become a shared joy again—not something I have to give, but something we create together. Desire will return not from effort, but from the quiet healing of being seen, heard, and honored—first by myself, and then by the loving kindness of my partner.
This season is so much harder for me than for my partner. I feel resentment building with how unfair this is.	We are both being shaped by this season in different ways. It’s ok that this feels harder for me. I am carrying a kind of invisible labor my spouse/significant other can’t always see. My resentment is likely a signal of unmet needs. I can honor what I carry and use that awareness as an invitation for us to grow more honest so we can create shared understanding. I can ask for support, presence, and the recognition I deserve. With compassion, we will learn how to carry the weight together.

For all the body changes...

Grieving thought/ Negative belief/ Lie	Reframe
I need to lose the baby weight soon.	My body just created life. I can honor it for what it’s done, not rush it to erase the evidence of the home it provided for my my baby and the love and endurance it gave.
I don’t like what I see in the mirror.	I’m still adjusting to who I’ve become. My body has been through something profound. I can offer myself the same gentleness I’d offer to a friend walking through transformation
People continue to feel they can make comments about my body. Im uncomfortable with this.	I can choose to let other people’s word pass by without taking root. My body doesn’t need to meet their approval. It’s not a conversation piece. It was my baby’s home. That’s a wonderful truth.
My body is forever changed.	This body is not a “before and after.” Its a continuation. I didn’t lose my body-I grew into another version of it. Postpartum is not the final form. Healing, strength, softness, and confidence are still unfolding.

For when your mind feels like a cruel place to live...

Grieving thought/ Negative belief/ Lie	Reframe
I’m not doing enough. Even the smallest things feel monumental. Why can’t I just get it together?	This massive transformation is such a shock to my system. Everything feels monumental because it is. I am rebuilding a new rhythm of life on almost no rest, in a body that is healing, while caring for another human being. That is not failure—that is endurance. Simply showing up today in small acts of love I give while running on empty is more than enough.
I’m not a good enough mom.	The fact that I even ask myself if I am good enough shows how much I care. A good mom isn’t someone who never doubts—it’s someone who keeps showing up, even when she feels unsure.
I’m not capable.	I may not feel capable right now, but every day I’m proving otherwise. Capability isn’t about feeling confident—it is about continuing even when I’m scared and unsure. I am learning, not failing.
I wanted this, so why am I having such a hard time?	Wanting something doesn’t make it easy. I prepared my heart, not my nervous system. I can deeply want this life and still feel overwhelmed by it.
I should be happier than this.	Happiness is not the baseline postpartum- survival is. This isn’t a happiness problem- its a capacity problem. My nervous system is overloaded, not ungrateful. It won’t always feel like this.

From mom to mom:

Motherhood is both brutal and beautiful. There are heavy, hard, and overwhelming moments. There are delightful, lovely moments you wouldn't trade for anything. Make room for all of it. Your baby doesn't need perfect. Your baby needsYou. You've got this!