How Traditional Gender Role Expectations Can Be Imprisoning for Women
- Karley Icet
- Sep 2, 2022
- 7 min read
Updated: Sep 20, 2022
The following is not an exhaustive list, but an overview of gendered expectations for women today. We as a culture have evolved, but certain expectations persist for both genders to an extent that can be harmful. The following demonstrates how commonly ascribed expectations can create barriers for women and girls.
◦ Women need men to take care of them/ Women are more valuable when they are married
When I was about 24yrs old I was working out at my local gym. An acquaintance of mine (who was about the same age, maybe a couple of years older) walked over to me and struck up a conversation. Five minutes into the conversation he asked, "So why aren't you married yet?" To which I replied, "Why aren't you?" Now to provide some context: I am a midwest native and grew up in a community where many married young-usually just before or shortly after graduating college. I was one of the last of my friends to get married, but why?-----Ladies, if you have in the past/are currently constantly asked “When are you getting married? Are you dating anyone? How long has it been since you’ve been on a date?” at weddings, family gatherings, church, or the hair salon raise your hand. Women are often implicitly told that they are worth more when accompanied by a man. A single woman in her mid-late 30s is judged by “Hmm wonder what’s wrong with her?” A single man in his mid-late 30s is praised for his focus on his career and his bachelor life is much more socially accepted. This double standard begins early on in life. According to Cassano and Zeman (2010), in a study purposed to discover parents' socialization of sadness, fathers in particular displayed more acceptance of and protection over their daughters' emotional expression than their sons. This speaks to the gender role expectation of men to hide emotional expression to appear tough which will be expounded upon in another blog post. For now, this finding, if pushed beyond its level of effectiveness (father comes to rescue daughter every time she experiences a negative emotion instead of allowing her to struggle with it and learn to cope/grow) teaches her his belief that she does not have the capacity for independence. She needs a man. This distorted perception may very well contribute to patterns of codependency (Codependency is an issue many clients today experience and will be discussed in a later post).
◦ Women must appear youthful and sexy
Women are expected to look perfect without looking like they are working for it. This is frequently introduced in how women appear in the media. It is expected of women to stay youthful, fight aging, and make it look natural and effortless. How many eye wrinkle cream commercials do you see men in versus women? In fact, it is much more acceptable for men to age because gray hair helps them to appear “distinguished” and powerful. The expectation to remain youthful is an embedded message that many women absorb, but remaining forever young is not the only impossible standard women are expected to meet. Women’s bodies are constantly objectified in the media. See pictured below the double standard in objectification. The one exaggerating the male characters' rears is laughable, but the original poster is normalized. Women’s bodies are used to sell everything from beer to cars to hamburgers. Men’s objectification is increasing (also not ok), but still not to the level of women’s. The combination of these messages tell women that their worth and identity revolves around their appearance.
◦ Women (both working outside the home or stay at home mothers) are responsible for all household duties and are the main caretakers for children/ Motherhood is a woman's highest calling
When expecting company, my mom often says to my dad, “If the house looks messy it reflects badly on me because I am the woman”.
My mom, along with other women, have been socialized to understand that it is their sole responsibility to keep up with household chores and if they don’t they will be judged for their poor performance as a woman/wife/mother. They have been trained to see their value attached to household duties and to their role as a mother. This is also reinforced by the media. A few years ago around Christmas there was an ad on the radio that stated “You may think that getting your husband a tool for Christmas would be like him getting you a mop and a broom. It’s not! Get him what he really wants!” [insert eyeroll here].
The media is not the only evidence of this gendered expectation. In a study by Iwasaki, MacKay, and Ristock (2004) of individuals in managerial positions it was found that women experienced their lives as integrated (work, home, and their responsibility to/of others like their children), while men found personal/independent life of importance. The imprisoning piece of this expectation is that a woman can become invested in multiple areas without a partner to shoulder the burden. Further, marriage and motherhood have been elevated to what deems a woman to arrive at a place of inherent value because of the roles she is in. If keeping house and being a mother has evolved into her only identity, important information about who she genuinely is beyond what she is responsible for is dismissed. And what of the single woman and the childless? Truly, marital status and motherhood should not be what determines a woman's worth.
◦ Women should completely defer to the men in their lives (often husbands) in decision-making
Scripture tells wives to submit to their husbands. This scripture is frequently taken out of context to mean that wives must defer to their husbands as the only decision maker, or even that wives are expected to do exactly as their husbands demand. It is not accurate to assume that the Word commands wives to be under their husband’s thumb. The passage that uses the phrase submission is referring to protection and a covering. Husbands are given the role of a servant leader. Both men and women were given dominion over all living things on the earth. They were given this dominion and authority at different levels. A husband’s command is to love his wife as Christ loves and serves the church. Jesus did this by dying on a cross to rescue and redeem the church from its sins. Wives are commanded to accept this covering and respect their husbands.
Furthermore, Genesis states that it was not good for man to be alone and so God created a helper (woman) for him. The Hebrew word for helper when describing the woman (ezer; meaning: ally, savior, rescuer, protector) is the same word used to describe God's help throughout scripture.
Women were not designed to forfeit their influence. They were designed to furnish influence!
Consider this 2005 study: According to Tichenor’s research, wives who earned more in salary and occupational status continued to perform majority of the domestic tasks, and for half of those participating, this triggered disagreements within the relationship. Further, “Instead of using their unconventional circumstances to alter the conventional balance of marital power, spouses worked together to reproduce men’s dominance in a variety of ways” (Tichenor, 2005, p. 197). Wives who earned more than their husbands would lose decision-making power in the relationship, but husbands who earned more than their wives would maintain their power. How is this imprisoning for women? Their voice is hushed, minimized, and/or devalued. Consequently, their male counterparts miss out on the benefit of their wisdom, guidance, support, and influence when facing important decisions.
◦ Women should be polite, accommodating, and nurturing
The world would surely benefit if all were kinder to each other, but there is an enduring expectation for women to be sweet and polite. Many women have had the experience of being told to smile by men. This can be uncomfortable and feel condescending for a number of reasons. The message underneath being demanded to smile says, "Even strangers should look a certain way to accommodate me." According to Gavin De Becker in his book The Gift of Fear, women are a vulnerable population to dangerous situations that threaten their safety. Some women fall prey to these situations because they don't assert themselves (in congruence with cultural training) for fear of appearing rude.
How might you or those you love be affected by these expectations and what can you do?
These socialized expectations can easily be internalized into an inner critic that capitalizes on the above untruthful shoulds and musts. For example, the standard of completely deferring to men in decision making may illicit the following negative beliefs, "My voice is insignificant. My feelings, thoughts, and opinions don't matter." The standard of a homemaker/caretaker deeming one as worthy may illicit the following negative beliefs, "I am not allowed to rest. I always have to sacrifice my needs and attend to everyone else's needs". Sound familiar? If it does, perhaps you too have bought into the lie that meeting these expectations makes you "good enough" or worthy as a woman. Consider catching these negative beliefs and evaluate what motivates your behavior. For the women and girls around us, lets together listen for the way they speak about themselves and adopt a mindful ear to any unattainable or harmful societal standards they are imprisoned by. Let's point them to the freedom and value of being uniquely them, even if it does not fit perfectly into gendered expectations.
If you enjoyed this post, please read “How Traditional Gender Role Expectations Can Be Imprisoning for Men”
Cassano, M. C., & Zeman, J. L. (2010). Parental socialization of sadness regulation in middle childhood: The role of expectations and gender. Developmental Psychology, 46(5), 1214-1226. doi:10.1037/a0019851
Iwasaki, Y., MacKay, K. J., & Ristock, J. (2004). Gender-based analyses of stress among professional managers: An exploratory qualitative study. International Journal of Stress Management, 11(1), 56-79. doi:10.1037/1072-5245.11.1.56
Tichenor, V. (2005). Maintaining men's dominance: Negotiating identity and power when she earns more. Sex Roles, 53(3-4), 191-205. doi:10.1007/s11199-005-5678-2
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